Feeling slightly nauseous.. main cause:-

1. work.

2. mortality. And what I’ve done in my entire 27 years of my life that is worth mentioning?

3. My brat’s religious education (I’ve yet to find the perfect weekend classes to enroll her in.)

4. Brat’s school FEES.

5. Suddenly thinking of someone in a non-platonic way. I swear this is freaking me out. NOT GOOD. What am I? 17? //FACEPALM//

6. Losing my appetite when the nausea kicks and feeling very hungrehh the next. MY MIND, BODY, SPIRIT.. IS CONFUSED.

7. This other guy which. I can’t even.

I’m one of life’s many anomalies. Forever awkward. le sigh

Like, when a stranger shows an interest and makes the first move to have a conversation, here’s how I usually react (physically, spiritually and mentally):

Scenario - 

1. Stranger glances past by me and walks straight. He can go to hell or whatever.

2. Stranger glances past by me and looks twice. Sometimes with a goofy grin intact, idk… why do these jokers always occupy my space……

a. I look up and give an obligatory smile cos I don’t smile and smiling like a normal person isn’t my forte.

b. Stranger says hi. I just give him an awkward smile again.

c. Can I sit here?  Stranger reacts. (at my workplace, in office.)

d. me: er, sure. The table is not exclusive for me only. (I assume I come off as jokey-Jokey but nooooooooooooooo I think I sounded serious and stranger starts to feel uncomfortable while sitting across me. Lord help the man. Or me.)

e. *silence*

f. Is that a macbook pro? (I work in a company that represents a MAJOR-brand windows computer LMAO i’m such an outlaw for bringing my macbook pro to work hehe.)

g. I replied, “why, yes.”

h. *Stranger starts to relax and smile* How much do they cost? Cos er, I have a friend who has an advertising company and er, graphic designers uses them, don’t they?

Mental note: Not really the most eloquent stranger. Life goes on.

i. Yes, graphic designers mostly prefer macbooks to do their designs blablablah mine costs abt 3+k (SGD3,000+)

j. Stranger almost faints in his seat. “That’s pricey!”

k. Well, you can get a smaller one… 2k? Or maybe macbook air?

I can’t bring myself to continue describing this. My life is sad.

Idk why I always have this strong stance/exterior like I have a dick and two balls. Why can’t I be demure? or slightly demure? My parents had hoped for a boy after having my older sister but 7 fricken years later, I was born. With a vagina intact. So, I apologize for that. But I’m not completely screwed. It’s not like I have an identity crisis or gay or anything. I have girl crushes from time to time but I’m still ramrod straight.

Why can’t I score a normal male in this society? I admit I don’t put myself out there too much - I’m never the flirty type. My mother is “flirtier” than me at age 58. wth.

It’s one of those days where you dragged yourself out of the bed, to the toilet then proceed with your parental duties afterwards.

Except i’m not really a mother. But, technically. You tell yourself that it’s your fate and you grit your teeth and bear it. Cos if not for you, who else?

I was sitting at the stone-table at the void deck; half-awake. I looked at my niece. She’s happy to be going to school. But she’s dreading the early morn at times, too.

Then a thought crossed my mind and I suddenly thought of his words:

Y’know what would solve your problem? Please don’t get mad at me - it’s just another solution: Get married.

And I shrivel up and die a little a lot inside. If you only knew. But you do, only our paths will never cross in such ways.